please take that pumpkin elsewhere
I've never been afraid of winter before. I've always welcomed fall, welcomed school (like a nerd), welcomed cooling weather (like a person who hates sweating, who grew up hating exposing her body, who doesn't care for outdoor activities). The changing leaves and lattes are a bonus, the apple-picking plans only consummated every few years. The holidays and my birthday a beacon as the days get shorter, the sloggy, slushy months afterward nothing to complain about. I'd rather be cold than hot, I'd say. I can add layers if I'm cold but I can't do anything if I'm too hot! Like the Shel Silverstein poem about taking off your skin.
I’ve tried with ’lectric fans,
And pools and ice cream cones.
I think I’ll take my skin off
And sit around in my bones.
Yes I did google "Shel Silverstein take off your skin," and yes it did work.
But this year, of course, is different. I still hate sweating, and still didn't make it to the beach one single time, but summer has been a respite this year, unimaginably so. There's nothing surprising about it: It's been a summer with a toddler in the midst of a pandemic. Somewhere around May this particular toddler hit the age where he really has to go outside once a day to burn off energy, or to commune with the sky, idk, but it makes everything better. Two days in a row fully indoors? Ask me how we did during Hurricane Henri. (Spoiler: bad!) And, this isn't new or news to anyone, but all the safe things to do are the outdoor things. The farm, the other farm, the playgrounds, the restaurants. Or really it's just the way outside is babyproofed, the way he can run around and occupy himself and be both uncontained and fine.
But this is more than logistic. I need to commune with the sky, too. Last winter was really hard. I didn't run a proper controlled trial, can't tell you whether it's sunshine or lexapro or time that saved me, but my brain has latched onto the correlation: winter, bad. summer, good. inside, bad. get outside.
So when the fall lattes arrived in August this year (jfc) it felt like an assault. I still celebrated the return of school, but as a parent greedy for work hours this time, and cautiously for my friends whose kids are going to schools that aren't as safe, as small, as careful. I found a pair of very good toddler snow boots for $18 on facebook marketplace. I'm investing in new high-quality base layers for myself, a new snow suit for him, a determination to get out there, no matter what, whenever we can. A hopeless hope that things might not be quite as goddamn snowy this year. We got grow lights for our house plants so they might better weather the transition back inside from the deck, maybe I'll sneak my face under them for a minute here and there, too.
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